Learning to Lean on God

For most of this winter, I have been in a depression, that has just been getting lower. I've prayed, I've fasted, I've studied the Bible & other books that He's led me to, and it's only seemed to get worse. I've actually broke down crying to God, just to feel like it hasn't done any good. Every time I ask what I should do, how to fix this problem or that, how to get rid of this thing or that, I just keep hearing in my spirit to "get in the Word". Yet, as I got my depressed, I have less motivation and desire to do this. And slowly, quit reading anything. Especially after I finished my fast and other stuff, and felt like God was just kind of, ignoring me, or, well, that's not the right words, but, just kind of leaving me alone. I know, I know, I've heard it a lot more in the last year that I can't always trust my feelings, especially when it comes to feeling ignored by God.

Along with all this (and that's just barely touching on anything), I've also felt rejection from so many different directions, so many different people. That doesn't help. I've felt that I have had no one to turn to, especially when I need it most. I've wanted godly advice and counsel, and had none to seek it from. Well, almost none. I have had 2 very good friends that haven't quit on me. I know they're not always able to be there, but it's not their responsibility either. But, they have helped me a lot. Oh, included in this area of complete loneliness, is the fact that I haven't been able to see or speak to my man in almost 4 months, and still have a little more than 2 months to go. When he was here, God spoke so many things through him that helped me so much, and I could certainly use that now!

Well, I kinda "took a break" for a couple weeks from God (praying much, reading my Bible, etc) because I was so frustrated and confused, and tried everything I knew (praying, fasting, studying God's word, etc), and felt like nothing worked! Nothing was changing! So, I felt like, what more can I do? I don't know!I felt like I was going to have a breakdown (again), go out of my mind or something. So, I decided I was just going to stop for a bit, and wait. So, that's only lasted for a little while. I've been talking to God again lately. And, again, He's telling me to "get in the Word". Okay. So, I decided the other day, I'm going to do that, and just that. Plain and simple, nothing else (when it comes to concerning myself with doing this or that right, or doing whatever other thing that I feel like is weighing me down; I think of how Jesus says to come to Him all who are burdened and heavy laden, so I'm going to do that, again [not the first time I've felt burdened by religious type stuff among other things, and had to try and lay it all down, but that's not my only problem right now, just one]). I'm going to concentrate everyday on reading my Bible more than I ever have before. I'm not going to read a whole lot of other Christian materials right now (not that I have anything against them, just that I need to look solely to God), just the Bible. I am going to also be reading this new book I got called "Learn the Bible in 24 hours". I knew when I bought it that that is not possible, learning the Bible in one day (but it doesn't say one day, it says 24 hours, and who says that it has to be a consecutive 24 hours?), and so there has to be more to it than some short cut way to learning the Bible, lol. Well, I was right, there is! And so far, it is an awesome book! It touches on some biblical historical stuff that I've studied in the past, and gives me a clearer understanding of what each of the books are about, and some other stuff that happened. So, at least for me, it's like going in to the Bible with a kind of road map. It helps me to understand some of what I'm looking at, that I was baffled about before. In my opinion, everyone who wants to better understand the Bible should read this book! Another good thing about it, I got it 1/2 off at Mardel!

Okay, anyways! Enough promotion of the book! Sorry, I just really like the book so far, and can't wait to read more. Now, back to what's going on in my little world. I've also decided to somewhat, sort of attempt at some things at my church that I was going to totally get away from, because of the rejection I felt. I have to admit, I'm doing it eagerly, more hesitantly, but, well, I can't seem to put it in to words exactly what my reasons are for doing it. Just that, with God, I'm trying. I know that probably doesn't make much sense to anyone else but me and God, but that's okay. God and I know what I'm saying, and that's what's most important. He's the reason I'm doing any of this anyways! So, I'm trying that stuff, and I'm going to be reading in my Bible, a lot. And I'm just going to put my focus there for a while, and just wait. I believe God will lead me from there, I just have to do what He's been telling me to do. And nothing else. I can say, that He has helped me to not be as depressed lately. Still have some work to do, but, we'll get there! 

Oh, another thing that I think is a possibility, is God wants me to look completely and totally to Him for all I need: advice, friendship, comfort, etc. I know He's been working on that in me for around a year now. I was reading in 2 Corin 1 today, and didn't get very far before I found verse 9: "Indeed, we felt within ourselves that we had received the [very] sentence of death, but that was to keep us from trusting in and depending on ourselves instead of on God Who raises the dead." And verse 10 as well, but mostly verse 9. But, I really felt that speak to me, because, well, something similar to a death sentence is what I have felt lately (if you don't understand major depression, than you won't fully understand that). Then, he says how "that was to keep us (ME) from trusting in and depending on ourselves (myself and other people) instead of God Who raises the dead" (He is the only one who can raise me out of this deathly feeling, and He "raises", that means He does and He will, it's not something that He ever stopped doing!He still raises the dead today! And He WILL raise me up too!).

Well, I'm nowhere near the end of my "healing" process, this journey I'm on. I wish I were. I don't even feel like I'm very far down the road. I know sometimes people say how we lean on God when things are bad, but forget to when things are good, but I think I can sometimes be the opposite. I forget to look to Him when I'm at my lowest. (Perhaps because I never had my earthly father to turn to when things were lowest, partly because he was the cause of when my life would be at it's lowest, but that's another topic.) I don't know if my feeling better is because of deciding to continue relying on Him while at my lowest, or I relied on Him once I started feeling better, but I think it's more the first. I don't want to keep being one (if I am) who relies on God only when it's easy to do so. I think I'm progressing in that area though! Okay, I will end it here now. Lol. (I still wonder if anybody reads this. Maybe that's why it's easy to pour all this out here, because I don't think much of anybody reads this!)